Hey loves, How was your Thursday? Today I wanted to open up to you guys about something.
Growing up in Haiti, my grandma noticed that I never liked to get close to people. She would jokingly call me a "grosomodo" ( something like a caveman). I grew up knowing this about myself and I sometimes joke and laugh at myself for being such a grosomodo.
Remember, a few posts ago I mentioned that I have been going through some stuff in my personal life. When I hit low points in my life, I usually like to reflect and try to understand myself better in order to move forward.
I stumbled upon a youtube video this morning that really opened my eyes and truly made sense to me. It seems that I may be suffering from some type of a personality disorder. When things are not going right, I just want to run away and hide from the world. I also push people who truly care about me away in the process.
And I always end up alone in my head even when I have people around me. I could be smiling and happy go lucky and then the next minute, I just turn sad. Sometimes I catch myself and I'd ask the people around me and they'd say something like, you seem distant.
I truly hate when I become like that because it is far from the person that I want to be. I want to be warm and inviting to others at all times. I just want to make everybody around me feel like they belong but it's weird because I don't feel like I belong.
Moreover, I do not stay in contact with family or friends. I'm not the type of friend to call or text everyday. Most of the time when family members or friends text/call to check on me, I don't pick up or never reply.
According to the youtube videos, it seems that it is all rooted from feelings of neglect and abandonment. My mother passed when I was 6 years old, my grandma raised us. Even tho my dad lived in the same town where I lived, he was not involved in my life as a father should. Sometimes we wouldn't see him for a couple of months.
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I have no idea why I feel compelled to put this out there. Hope it helps clarify certain things for someone who might be going through the same thing.
Thanks for stopping by and reading my nonsense. Have a lovely night.